This post is all about helping our kids have self control. It’s also about helping ourselves have self control. I believe recognizing our own bad attitude and taking the steps to make sure we are responding correctly is the first step in helping our kids. Read on for some practical tips for every age group.
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The Problem
Whoo, boy! So far in our series Creating Meaningful Moments we have dealt with a lot of practical things we can do to create special time with our kids: things like Staying Present, Making Use of Downtime, and Involving Kids in Daily Tasks.
Today we’re going to talk about the secret to “fixing” our kids’ bad attitudes or helping our kids have self control. The title of this post seems a little bit scary! Do I really have to deal with something within myself to have meaningful time with my kids?
I wish I could sit here and tell you that it’s all outward and, if we do these simple steps, all issues will be taken care of. Wouldn’t that be nice? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple.
Why they need self control
I had my first three children in two and a half years. I was basically pregnant or nursing non-stop for four years. Some of the drama from that time is best left for another post (or hundred posts!). The point I am trying to make here is that my three oldest kiddos are super close in age.
Being so close in age has its perks for sure! They always have a playmate or two nearby. They have similar interests and abilities. I can do many things in threes and everyone is happy: three plates of food, three of the same outfit, three of the same color sucker, you get the idea. That worked great until we hit the tween and teen years. Then it became three different things intentionally because, heaven forbid, their sibling likes the same thing as them.
Being so close in age also means the parents going through the 1s, 2s, and 3s all at the same time (and enduring each one 3 years in a row!). It means similar emotional maturity levels. It means potty training accidents and diaper blow-outs from multiple children on the same day. It means lots of fighting, arguing, and crying. We won’t even get into having three middle schoolers at the same time or all those adolescent hormones. Yikes!
While things have gotten easier for sure as they have grown older, we still have days of what feels like non-stop bickering, tattling, and all out fighting. We have competitions for mom’s attention. We have selfishness and attitudes. We have hurt feelings and loud outbursts. Listening to and dealing with all this negativity tends to take a toll on a mama’s sanity. Can I get an amen?
Why I need self control
Sometimes my own selfishness and bad attitude join in on the fun. Instead of handling my kids’ attitudes and behaviors with grace and looking for ways to teach and model self-control, I lose my cool, give in to my frustration, and allow my own attitude to spiral downward.
Instead of taking my kids’ bad-itudes (see my definition of this term here) and creating a meaningful family moment, I joined in the drama and helped make the day less than successful in regard to chasing down those sometimes elusive meaningful moments. Those moments are rarely ones I can look back on with satisfaction that they were handled well.
In the middle of all the raging feelings, it’s sometimes hard to remember to take a step back, breathe, and be sure that I am keeping myself under control. I have to take proactive steps to make sure that when those moments come, I will have the plan, the tools, and even the desire not to let my attitude be dragged down by the negative attitudes around me. So what can we do to help keep ourselves under control?
The Plan
I heard it taught one time that in order to keep a cool head and deal with our kids’ issues appropriately we have to separate each incident and treat them as individual infractions rather than as a whole day gone wrong. While a bit simple and not always an option, there is definitely some wisdom in this advice.
If I can separate how I feel about my kids from the way they behave, I am much more able to deal calmly with their behavior rather than act on my impulses or frustrations of the moment. We need to have certain consequences in place for certain behaviors so we’re not having to rely on our emotional state to decide what to do. This practice creates stability and consistency and keeps down reactions of anger from both kids and parents.
Of course, there will always be instances for which we have not prepared in advance. Those kids like to keep us on our toes, don’t they? But if we can remember the plans we do have and keep our emotions in check, it will be much easier to take a step back and think about what steps we need to take to deal with the situation.
Also, we’re not perfect, and it’s ok for our kids to see that. On quite a few occasions I have had to tell my kids to sit somewhere and wait until I decide what the most appropriate consequences would be. Or until I am in the right frame of mind to deal with the issue in a loving and patient way. And you know what? That’s ok. It gives us time to cool down, gives them a chance to think about their own behavior and attitude, and gives us a chance to make the moment meaningful and relationship building rather than breaking. The best way to help our kids have self control is to model self control. But there are some other things we can do as well. Below are some (but by no means all) age appropriate ideas you can use with your kids.
Age-Appropriate Tools for Helping Kids have Self Control
The best tools we have in our arsenal for creating meaningful moments and warding off our kids’ misbehavior and our own emotional reactions are prepared for in advance. Finding time to discuss feelings and appropriate ways to deal with them in peaceful moments, gives us something to point back to in the heat of the moment.
Toddlers and Preschoolers
There are many kids’ tv shows that give good examples of how to manage feelings. One that I have used many times with my own kids is the Daniel Tiger song “When You Feel So Mad That You Want to Roar”.
Another great reference for both explaining and teaching how to deal with bad attitudes is the book Oh, Bother! Somebody’s Grumpy! In this book, the characters discover how just one person’s negative attitude – and alternatively, one person’s positive attitude – can affect everyone’s day as all the characters succumb to a case of the Galloping Grumps. More than once have I been able to bring giggles out of grumpies by reminding my kids of the Galloping Grumps.
(I have listed out some books I love for each age group over on my bookshop.org page. It’s a great option to support small businesses and find some great reads.)
With my little bitties, sometimes I play a tickle game with them that almost always ends in giggles. I start by asking, “Where has Sweet So-and-So gone? I want my Sweet So-and-So back.” Then I ask, “Is she hiding in your mouth?” and look in their mouth. “Is he in your belly button?” then look in their belly button. I continue this until they’re laughing. A simple game but ends with a perspective change.
Elementary Ages
For the elementary kid age range, it often requires more than a giggle game or book. They can hold on to their moods better, can’t they? Yay for growing up, haha.
Teach them to walk away and remove themselves from the situation so they don’t harm someone with their words.
Give them some focused time alone with you if they’re open to it.
Blast some music and start dancing, they might join in or they may simply enjoy making fun of your cool parent dance moves.
Have them draw a picture that illustrates how they’re feeling.
Tweens and Teens
It’s harder to change the mood of older kids.
Something as simple giving them some space/alone time often helps.
Give them something constructive/productive to do.
Have them listen to some uplifting music.
Having some positive statements on hand that you can speak over your kids is a great way to boost their mood. A favorite Bible verse (Zephaniah 3:17 NIV is a good example), a family or personal mantra, or simply encouraging statements (you are smart, you are beautiful, you are loved, etc.).
Encourage them to write out how they’re feeling and then wad the paper up and throw it away.
Ourselves
It’s hard to admit when we’re the problem. I’ve noticed that it’s often my own mood that determines the mood of my household. If I take all the kids to the store (or anywhere) and my own attitude is impatient, hurried, and/or grumpy, then I will respond much differently to my kids. They may be acting perfectly age-appropriately and/or enjoying themselves. How I am feeling in the moment determines whether it’s a relaxed, enjoyable trip or a miserable, scolding-filled trip.
I often have to take a deep breath (just like Daniel Tiger) and make sure my own reactions are appropriate and controlled.
I can step away for a second to clear my mind and refocus.
We can eat a snack (grown-ups get hangry too!).
Pull out our phone and look at baby pictures. Get those warm fuzzies we get toward the kids up and flowing.
Call a friend or significant other to vent (make sure it’s someone who also loves you and your kids and will help remind you to stay grounded in love).
The Desire to Help our Kids have Self Control
These lists are anything but exhaustive. We know ourselves, and we know our kids. Use your creativity to come up with what might work in your particular family’s case to help your kids have self control. In order for any of these steps to work in overcoming bad attitudes, we have to want them to. Creating meaningful moments with our kids always takes work. It takes a willingness on our part to do the work necessary to engage our kids in love. It takes trial and error. And being willing to keep on trying.
Before you can begin to effectively chase after those special moments, before you can make the most of the everyday mundane-ness of life, before you can help your kids with self control, you have to think about how you would answer some specific questions:
What is your goal in parenting?
What kind of adults do you want your kids to grow up to be?
How do you want your family to interact with one another?
How do you want your family to interact with others?
What character traits do you value and want to instill in your kids?
Are you willing to work on developing those traits within yourself?
Parenting is a hard job, but, if we really invest in making every moment count, it truly is a blessed experience.
I’ve linked to quite a few other inspirational parenting posts throughout this post, but you can find all of them over on the Moments page.
Do you sometimes have a hard time coming up with or sticking to a plan made in advance? How have you helped your kids have self control? Are there any tools you have found that help take the stressful moments and turn them into meaningful moments? Do you have any encouragement of how you have seen some of the hard work of parenting pay off? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
I have tons of activities to help you pour into your kids and keep their hands and minds occupied while connecting with their hearts listed out by age group and category over on the Activities page.
You can also find my books Jesse Tree Moments and Resurrection Moments as well as scripted lesson plans and activity resources in the Chasing Those Moments Shop.
Follow Chasing Those Moments on Pinterest for even more inspiring ideas and activities.
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