Ah, parenting a difficult child. Something we all wonder how to do at times, don’t we? What exactly do I mean by “a difficult child”?
Well, sometimes a child or two is more difficult to love than at other times. I’m not talking about parent-child love or that deep, I-would-die-for-you kind of love we all have for our kids regardless of how they act. I’m talking more about enjoying their presence, feeling the warm fuzzies when you’re with them, desiring to be around them.
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The Problem
When we’re with someone in close quarters 24/7 for days, weeks, months on end, they’re bound to get on our nerves every now and then. That’s completely normal and even expected. You are not a bad mother for not particularly enjoying your kid(s) today. You are not a bad father for enjoying time with one child over another today.
*I use the word “today” to indicate short term issues. If you find your frustration toward your children to be daily and over a long period of time, I strongly recommend finding a close friend or counselor to talk with to work through those feelings to make sure you are in a healthy place both for yourself and for your kids. Their little growing hearts need us to be whole and on their side always.*
Kids are constantly going through phases: think Terrible Twos, Threenagers, Fearsome Fours, etc. Once you get used to them behaving one way, they change it up on you! We expect this of the rapidly maturing baby and preschool stages. It’s a little harder to recognize – and even harder to accept and understand – the older our kids get.
I first saw the above quote a couple of years ago, and it really struck home for me. How often do I expect perfect behavior from my kids but expect them to extend grace to me for my own bad-itude? More times than I would care to admit….
I have been thinking on this subject quite a bit of late. I have been catching myself acting more like an annoyed sibling rather than a loving mother to certain children on certain days. Somehow, I just can’t get excited about end-of-the-day snuggles with the child who has pushed my buttons and with whom I have butted heads all through the day.
She has broken more of our family’s house rules in one day than I had imagined possible. He has argued with every word out of my mouth. She has pestered her siblings to tears over and over all day. He has refused to obey even the smallest of commands. She screamed and woke the baby from a much-needed nap. (All hypothetical circumstances, of course.)
Bedtime can’t come soon enough. I can’t wait for these tiny people with big attitudes to tuck into their beds and leave me alone. And pity the child who gets up again (and again and again) after he/she has been put to bed.
So, the child has been difficult today. It happens.
How do I, as a parent, love this little person who is trying her/his best to test the limits of my love?
What I Can Do
I love this quote above. I just discovered it as I was searching for quotes by Rebecca Eanes. It reminds me of a parenting philosophy that I have had for years. (Isn’t it nice to find other people saying the same things you are? It kind of gives affirmation that you are on the right track.)
Since my kids were tiny, I have tried to parent by the philosophy that the child is more important than the ______. Be it a broken vase, spilled milk, a messed up project, freshly mopped floor, etc., etc., my child’s heart is far more precious and valuable. It is his/her heart that I am shaping with my reaction. My words as their mother are the words that will echo in their minds throughout their lives.
Just this week I had the opportunity to live out the exact circumstance mentioned in the above quote. My four-year-old went to pour some milk out and wasn’t quite tall enough to make it into the sink. Milk was dripping off the counter, running down the cabinet door, and puddling on the floor and rug.
I had a choice to respond in love and help him clean it up or to react in frustration and scold. It was completely an accident, he was upset that he had spilled, and it honestly wasn’t that big of a mess. I came to his rescue, told him it was ok, and we cleaned it up together (I even had another child rush to help clean it up).
The whole episode was over in less than a minute. One child was assured of mommy’s love, one child received praise for their responsibility and helpfulness (See this post on teaching big kids to be kind), everyone’s day wasn’t ruined, and all attitudes remained positive. This scene could have easily played out a different way.
There have been times (more than I care to admit) that I have overreacted and forgotten to make sure my child knows that she/he is more important than whatever it was. I have watched their faces fall as my words have come out harshly or impatiently. Oh, is there anything as convicting to a mother’s heart as watching her child’s countenance drop because of something I have said!? Lord, forgive me.
I so desire to be the voice of love and encouragement my kids hear in their heads rather than having my negative words hauntily echo criticism and judgment when life is hard or they have made a mistake. How I long to be their source of comfort and the one they seek out to hold them when things go wrongly.
Parenting a Difficult Child
Before I became a parent, I struggled with the concept of kids acting out negatively simply because they wanted attention. After I became a parent, I realized that this is often the case. I have found that sometimes when one of my children is having a bad attitude, struggling to obey, or even fighting with siblings, if I take the time to pull him/her onto my lap to read or snuggle or chat, the behavior corrects without any need for scolding or consequences.
I’m reminded of the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:13, “…the greatest of these is love.” We can teach our kids all the right things. But, if we don’t actively show them, assure them, of our love through not just our words but also our actions and reactions, then we are leaving out the most important thing for their growth both physically and emotionally.
Parenting a difficult child requires intentionality and hard work. It requires having a plan in place to cling to in the heat of the moment so I don’t simply react to the unpleasant situation. It requires doing things that I don’t feel like doing right then.
I love my difficult child by:
- praying hard for them and myself.
- finding some way to redeem the day.
- snuggling even when I don’t feel like being touched.
- truly listening to her/him even though he/she has talked non-stop already today.
- remembering that she/he only gets one childhood, and what happens in that childhood lays the groundwork for his/her entire life.
- keeping in mind that my role as parent is not only to teach but also model how to treat others.
- taking a moment to breathe, eat some chocolate, and look at baby pictures to remember how sweet she/he used to be.
Parenting a difficult child is never easy. But it sure is worth it.
Do you struggle somedays with parenting a difficult child? What are some ways that you have learned to help you parent in love rather than frustration? I’d love to hear your tips!
For more on this topic, see the post Dealing With Fussy Kids – One of Those Days. You can find lots more parenting encouragement on the Moments page. Keep little (and big!) hands and bodies busy with age-appropriate and fun activities from my huge list on the Activities page. I have lots of educational and fun resources in the Chasing Those Moments Shop as well.
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